I don't want this reply to come as an argument nor I want you to feel as if I dont care about us...I respect your opinion and where you stand.
After reading your message I can definately see why a small little hill has become the volcano standing between us.
Agreeing with what you mentioned in regards to TWO people being the responsibles for the solid foundation of any relationship, I would like to ask you...and again respecting where you come from...but have you actually thought on the other person's emotions?
I apologized for the pain and hurt I’m causing you due to the writing I did on FB…it was not my intention at all to hurt you…on the other hand…all this is due to the fact that I love you too much and where I thought there were no limits, there actually is.
I don’t think you will ever be able to understand me as long as you continue to hold on to the memories and experiences lived with a different me. I am not who I was…and for someone who once told me that the past is behind, you are one to bring it left and right…this is what I meant the other day when I say people only bring the bad I done…but have I ever, ever brought up actions that you did that hurt me? Absolutely not but one thing I will say…there is a reason why even being your BF I won’t accept being in your insurance, as much as I appreciate it…I don’t walk in old familiar shoes anymore. When I ask you to be my BF…I told you…I don’t want nothing but for you to let me love you…and that is where this issue starts.
You call me selfish for wanting to stop taking my meds? Knowing I will eventually die, but can you put yourself in my shoes, and tell me how does it feel to know your causing pain to your loved ones? How does it feel to see them cry and suffer because they wish things were different? And how does it feel to know that no matter how good you look or feel, they live with the constant worry that any minute it can change.
Now put yourself in my shoes…imagine yourself either being up all night with diarreah or throwing up or feeling tired and sleeping all day, knowing life is passing you by, knowing that you are missing precious time with those who really love you and yes there is a chance it will gp away but there is a chance it wont. My tomorrow is uncertain as is with everyone….and not being able to live my today so I can have a tomorrow, where all those I LOVE might be or they might be gone.
Now put yourself in my shoes, and instead is me the one working, you spend your day sleeping due to the meds, plans fell through but instead of saying I will stay home tonight due to not feeling well…I want to come see you…I know it’s a bit late but I missed you the whole day… and I say…well its too late and I have to go to work, we’ll see each other tomorrow…tomorrow your health might be a whole different story…tomorrow you might sleep all day again and then what…it will be tomorrow, then tomorrow? Why? Because it’s my fault that I slept all day and wake up late and you need to work.
What would you do? For me not to be sleepy and be awake to spend time with you when u are available…there is only one thing I can do…one thing for me to be next to you and do one simple thing…love you!
Is that selfish? How is me wanting and needing to see you…makes it my way? How does me hurting caused I didn’t get to see you and hug u and kiss you makes me a selfish person?
I told you…you were my reason to live and not being able to see you is not living at all…you wanted a chance with me,,,this is me…tell me…are u ready for this love? Look at the past couple of weeks and see who’s schedule is predominant and who is the one being flexible…it’s not all me…I don’t exist without you…is loving you that much selfish?
Because if you think it is…or perhaps you think is too much…then perhaps this selfish love that seeks only to make you happy and be with you…is not for you.
I understand you need to take care of your job…but if I ever ask you to do something that will jeopardise your job or if this love that you wanted for so long…is a stone in the way…then this love is not for you.
You always told me that I settle for less and always pick the wrong guys that didn’t appreciate me and understand me…u asked for a chance…and the chance came,
I have changed a lot…and I refuse to go back…it no longer my way Patrick…I asked for a chance to love you the right way and I will do so …until you tell me different. So please don’t compare me to the past because you and I know none of my ex’s had me this complete as u have had me for the last couple of weeks.
Unfortunately in life one must learn in order to move on…and more than anything this was a painful lesson for me…I see your side but now it’s up to you to see mine and try to understand where I come from.
With that said…I don’t doubt your love…but I never expected you to be the one who will say…we’ll see each other tomorrow...because u were the one who always said that even if I was sleeping at least I was there with you and that’s all you care about. And today, it was you had to work, it was going to be too late, I was going to keep you up…no I don’t want you walking but I can’t drive you because its too late…
If you were in my shoes,,,in all honesty…what thoughts would you have and the knife u said I should stick in your heart…is one similar to the one already in mine. I can’t be the same…u know that…u saw it as other took petal by petal and you were by my side picking them up and putting me back together. You always made me feel number 1…today…I saw the world without you…and after loving you…this world is no place for me.
But that question remains…are you ready for this love?
I love you very much…more than you could ever dreamed of…and no matter what happens you will remain in my heart and the man I belong to… .
Whatever the future holds is a plus...but today i have a chance to say I love you and I thank you for being the light, the energy, the love, the strenght and the wind that kept me going for the last 10 years.
